The March 11 episode of Showtime’s Stephen Colbert "comedy" Our Cartoon President, titled “Media Strategy,” was all about President Trump’s war with the mainstream media, with a side story about First Lady Melania Trump’s goal of having an expressionless face to avoid rolling her eyes in public when Trump lies and over-exaggerates. No, really. That was the show.
Melania is caught rolling her eyes during Trump’s press conference with the White House Press Corps and the coverage angers Trump. In order to stop any future criticisms, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is called upon to coach Melania on making her face expressionless – i.e. deaden her face. This job was deemed too big for just Botox shots because Trump tells such whoppers, you see, so Sanders goes an extreme route and shows the First Lady gory videos of a deer being killed, a train wreck and a surgery to condition her to remain emotionless.
Sanders: If you want to look composed around any old-world leader I would recommend a shot of Botox. But this is Donald Trump, so we need to kill your face outright. Now watch the screen.
Melania: Ooh. Beautiful deer. What the -- Aah! Why would you show me this?!
Sanders: Your husband's capable of saying worse. Now deaden that face.
Melania: At least the driver was not injured.
Man: Oh, my God!
Melania: No, no, no! Oh, my God! That is the worst thing I've ever seen! Oh, he's in surgery. He's -- He's going to be okay, right, Sarah? Right?Sanders: Watch the screen.
Melania: The doctor's a clown. And a cannibal! N-o-o-o-o!!
In the meantime, the mainstream media has stopped attending press briefings because Trump has replaced many of them with conservative media who will not question anything he says, no matter what.
To try to improve things, he calls a summit with prominent media figures, including having a place at the table for a kiddie chair for ABC’s George Stephanopoulos. Lol! He hopes to butter them up with compliments and ask that they only report that he is the best president in history.
Wolf Blitzer: President Trump has summoned prominent media figures to the White House to rebuild the damaged relationship. I was told to stay home, but that's okay, because my wife is my best friend, and we have great conversations.
Trump: Wow. Look at this. Isn't this tremendous? Isn't it cozy? The media's here. So great. You're not fake news. You're real news. Oh, look! It's Rachel Maddow. Yay! And is that Anderson Cooper I see? Handsome Andy -- that's what I call him. We're really hitting it off, right? Oh, hey, what do you say we start over, and you report that I'm the best president in history?
Anderson Cooper: Sir, all that we can promise is that we will report the facts as we see them.
Trump: Screw you, Cooper, and your Judi Dench haircut! Maddow, how many blazers do you own?! All of 'em?! Dickerson, just how many people have you drowned in those beautiful blue eyes? Why can't you all be like Hannity and just report the facts?
Hannity: Donald Trump's sperm would impregnate a block of gypsum!
Stephanopoulos: Sir, if I may, we are journalists, damn it, and that means we hold the powerful accountable as long as it earns our parent company’s tanker ships full of cash.
Trump: All right, bribe time. How many buckets of chicken will it take to buy your opinions? I have all kinds -- barbecue, fried. Forget it. I'll make a list. I was gonna do it at some point today, anyway.
Got that? He was bribing the press with buckets of fried chicken. Oh, brother.
Finally, in order to lure them back to the White House, he plants a story that soon his tax returns will be leaked. And, Melania has decided she no longer wants a dead face. Nancy Pelosi (lol!) counsels her that a really big shock – like a really big lie from Trump – would make her face go back to normal.
When the press gathers in the briefing room, Trump tells them that he no longer wants a “nice princely press corps,” he prefers the “bad boy media” who will confront and question him. He wants to fight with them again – “It makes me feel alive.” Then the whopper comes out of his mouth – “I love you people.” The declaration of love shocks Melania’s face back to normal.
So, there we have another episode of this lame show and I can only hope that eventually, something funny will come of it. So far, it continues to be tired parodies of Trump’s family and other folks in the White House. It seems to be running out of steam and is nothing short of painful for most of America to watch.
