Happy 4th of July! It’s time to celebrate all those American pastimes that liberals find offensive. This year, the victim of lefty political correctness is the classic patriotic ode “God Bless America.”
The New York Daily News is wheezing the same dying breaths as many newspapers across the country. In the latest attempt to drive up readership, they’ve called in Gersh Kuntzman to troll average Americans on the most patriotic holiday.
Following the Orlando shooting, Kuntzman tried to prove how dangerous AR-15s are by firing one at a gun range. The poor snowflake Kuntzman was “terrified.” The recoil “bruised my shoulder,” “the brass shell casings disoriented me as they flew past my face,” and “the smell of sulfur…made me sick.” This grown man who got “a temporary form of PTSD” from firing a gun once.
So what could possibly be more offensive than guns? “God Bless America,” that vulgar, patriotic, Christian tune that gets sung at Sunday baseball games. What’s surprising is that Kuntzman actually attends baseball games; the crack of the bat on the ball surely must hurt his delicate eardrums.
Kuntzman began his tirade by explaining that “part of my outrage stems from ponderous Mussolini-esque introduction of the song, when fans are asked to rise, remove their caps and place them over their hearts.” Because showing patriotism is something only fascists do. Got it.
The song embodies the “worst things” about America, he claimed: “self-righteousness, forced piety, earnest self-reverence, foam.” Foam? Must be a new catch-all liberal term for everything they hate about America.
He argued that the song really, truly does offend everyone. It offends “believers” because one guy who ran for the Green Party once upon a time said that “God shows no partiality towards nations. God blesses the whole world.” Foreigners hate it, because Kuntzman once met a Brit at a game who disliked the song. (Who cares if foreigners don’t like it? It’s about AMERICA.) And everyone else hates it because, he said, there’s an unspoken consensus that “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” is “the better seventh-inning song.”
And in case that isn’t convincing enough, “88% of atheists dislike the song.”
Therefore, Kuntzman whined, Major League Baseball needs to retire the “God Bless America.”
So this July 4th, enjoy the fireworks, the cookouts, and the baseball, and proudly sing the most offensive of all patriotic songs. Because what’s Independence Day without some outraged lefties?
