CBS’s host of The Late Show, Stephen Colbert, and Comedy Central’s The Daily Show temp host Jordan Klepper tried to turn molehills into mountains on their Tuesday shows as they tried to claim that the secret recordings of Justice Samuel Alito and his wife, Martha-Ann, are proof of religious nuttery and even fascism.
Colbert claimed the recordings prove Alito’s critics correct, “Alito's been in hot water lately for, among other things, flying multiple flags that support the January 6th insurrectionists outside of his homes. Now he has been secretly recorded saying what the flags only hinted at.”
After noting the recordings were taken by a “liberal activist” pretending to be a conservative, Colbert played an audio clip of Alito declaring that “One side or the other, one side or the other is going to win. I don't know. I mean, there can be a -- a way of working, a way of living together peacefully, but it's difficult, you know, because there are differences on fundamental things that really can't be compromised.”
What Alito said is simply true. Either Republicans win the election or Democrats win the election. Either the plaintiffs win the case or the defendant wins the case. Either abortion is murder or it isn’t. It is also not Alito’s job to appease Colbert’s feelings by way of some political compromise disguised as law. However, Colbert spun this to suggest Alito is irremediably biased, “You're a Supreme Court justice. You're not supposed to be thinking about what side someone is on. You're supposed to decide cases. Impartial. That's why lady justice has a blindfold and a scale, not 3D glasses and a popcorn bucket!”
Moving on, Colbert played a clip of Martha-Ann reacting to the criticism she has received, “Look at me. I'm German. From Germany. My heritage is German. You come after me, I'm gonna give it back to you.”
Colbert stretched for the fascism card, “Ohhh. That clears it up. She's not a fascist. She's just hell-bent on revenge the ‘German way.’ Auf Deutch. Of course, if you're hanging out with Martha-Ann, we're talking' flag.
Meanwhile, Klepper began his musings by also declaring that the recordings prove Alito’s critics right, “it turns out that the guy who overruled Roe v. Wade is a bit of a religious nut. But what was much more interesting is that this activist also recorded Alito's wife, Martha-Ann Alito. She's already been in the news for flying an upside-down American flag at their house after Trump lost the 2020 election, and then for flying a far-right Appeal to Heaven flag at their beach house. And if you thought two flags was a lot of flags, this lady is just getting started.”
After a clip of Martha-Ann expressing her desire to fly a Sacred Heart of Jesus flag in response to Pride Month, Klepper replied, “So, Martha-Ann got so mad after seeing a Pride flag that she's planning to put up a whole bunch of Jesus flags to combat it.”
Extending his middle finger, he added, “Because everyone knows Jesus is the ultimate symbol of ‘[bleep] your love!’ And also, if she runs out of flags, don't worry: She's thinking up more flags in her head!
Klepper also played a clip of Martha-Ann dreaming up her ideal flag, “This is how I -- I satisfy myself. I made a flag. It's white and it's yellow and orange flames around it. And in the middle is the word ‘Vergogna!’ ‘Vergogna’ in Italian means ‘Shame.’”
Enjoying the phrasing, Klepper suggested the Alitos would support the return of segregation, “Oh! wow, first off, what a burn on Justice Alito. Your wife is going around telling strangers that she has to think up new flags to satisfy herself. ‘I gotta think of new flags, cause it's not like there's anybody else taking care of my needs! Somebody's gotta Plessy my Ferguson!’”
Meanwhile, on the other news of the day, Colbert didn’t see what the big deal about Hunter Biden is considering he’s not running for president, while Klepper applauded his guilty verdict as a win because it compelled Republicans to support gun control.
Here is a transcript for the June 11 show:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
6/11/2024
11:45 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: There's more controversy for Supreme Court justice and baby who definitely does not want that airplane to come in for a landing, Samuel Alito. Alito's been in hot water lately for, among other things, flying multiple flags that support the January 6th insurrectionists outside of his homes. Now he has been secretly recorded saying what the flags only hinted at. See, last week, Alito attended a fancy dinner held by the Supreme Court historical society, where he met a woke in sheep's clothing, liberal activist and filmmaker Lauren Windsor, who asked questions of the justice as though she were a religious conservative.
Now, I know that seems shady, but it's a legitimate interview technique taught at the Borat School of Journalism. Yes. The Borat school of journalism. Also where Alito learned how to blame everything on "My wiiiife." Here's Alito after Windsor complains that there's no way religious conservatives can possibly compromise with liberals.
SAMUEL ALITO: I think you're probably right. One side or the other, one side or the other is going to win. I don't know. I mean, there can be a -- a way of working, a way of living together peacefully, but it's difficult, you know, because there are differences on fundamental things that really can't be compromised.
COLBERT: You're a Supreme Court justice. You're not supposed to be thinking about what side someone is on. You're supposed to decide cases. Impartial. That's why lady justice has a blindfold and a scale, not 3D glasses and a popcorn bucket!
These surreptitious recordings also captured Alito's flag-addicted wife, Martha-Ann. Now, she's already caught a lot of heat from the flag stuff. And when Windsor asked her about the blowback about the flags, Martha-Ann said she'd get even.
LAUREN WINDSOR: They're persecuting you.
MARTHA-ANN ALITO: Look at me. I'm German. From Germany. My heritage is German. You come after me, I'm gonna give it back to you.
COLBERT: Ohhh. That clears it up. She's not a fascist. She's just hell-bent on revenge the "German way." Auf Deutch. Of course, if you're hanging out with Martha-Ann, we're talking' flag.
MARTHA ANN-ALITO: You know what I want? I want a Sacred Heart of Jesus flag, because I have to look across the lagoon at the Pride flag for the next month.
COLBERT: I believe we actually have footage of Martha-Ann after seeing a Pride flag from her beach house.
JENNIFER COOLIDGE [as Tonya Mcquoid in The White Lotus]: These gays, they're trying to murder me.
COLBERT: But that-- I got a few things, we’ll figure it out-- but that was just the tip of the flagberg. Because as it turns out, Justice Alito may have tried to discourage his wife's favorite hobby.
MARTHA ANN-ALITO: And he's like, "Oh, please don't put up a flag." I said, "I won't do it because I'm deferring to you. But when you are free of this nonsense, I'm putting it up and I'm gonna send them a message every day. Maybe every week, I'll be changing the flags. They'll be all kinds. I made a flag in my head. This is how I satisfy myself.
COLBERT: Satisfy yourself? Really? I'm not gonna kink shame. But why is her anger always channeled through flags? I'd love to see her get cut off in traffic. "Oooh, have I got a flag in my head for you, Subaru Outback. Ooh, just two weeks from now, just you wait. You are gonna get it. Siri, navigate to Joan fabrics."
Now, Martha-Ann went on to describe her perfect imaginary revenge flag.
MARTA-ANN ALITO: It's white and it has yellow and orange flames around it. And in the middle is the word "Vergogna." "Vergogna" in Italian means shame, vergogna. V-E-R-G-O-G-N-A. Vergogna.
COLBERT: First of all, there's already an Italian flag that means shame. And it's this one, but, I can go for a little. But I can see why she took the trouble to spell it out. "Oh, look, the Alitos put up a new flag. What does it say? Ver-gina? With flames around it? I think somebody has a yeast infection! Take an oatmeal bath, honey!"
Look, Mrs. Alito, I know you want to express your disapproval of pride month by hoisting a "Vergogna" up the flagpole, but unfortunately, "Vergogna Flagpole" is already the name of a very successful drag queen.
When she wasn't fantasizing about attacking people through semaphore, it sounded like Martha-Ann was having a pretty good time at the party. Here she is bidding farewell to a friend named cat.
MARTHA-ANN ALITO: Bye, baby! Bye, cat! Meow, mow, mow, mow. Mow, mow. She's a bad girl.
COLBERT: By the way, "Meow, mow, mow, mow, she's a bad girl," also the catchphrase of Vergogna Flagpole
***
Comedy Central The Daily Show
6/11/2024
11:01 PM ET
JORDAN KLEPPER: But let's move on to some news out of the Supreme Court. Last weekend, an undercover activist snuck into a private reception and secretly recorded Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. And no surprise: it turns out that the guy who overruled Roe v. Wade is a bit of a religious nut. But what was much more interesting is that this activist also recorded Alito's wife, Martha-Ann Alito. She's already been in the news for flying an upside-down American flag at their house after Trump lost the 2020 election, and then for flying a far-right Appeal to Heaven flag at their beach house. And if you thought two flags was a lot of flags, this lady is just getting started.
MARTHA-ANN ALITO: You know what I want? I want a Sacred Heart of Jesus flag because I have to look across the lagoon at the Pride flag for the next month. And he's like, “oh, please don't put up a flag.” I said, “I won't do it because I'm deferring to you. But when you are free of this nonsense, I'm putting it up and I'm going to send them a message every day, maybe every week, I'll be changing the flags.”
KLEPPER: Holy shit, this lady loves flags. I mean, once Alito retires, that house is going to look like a [bleep] Spanish galleon! I mean, lady, the United Nations called, they said, tone it down with the flags. Even Betsy Ross is like, "Jesus, I was only doing this because we didn't have Netflix."
Liking flags this much is, ironically, the ultimate red flag. And, yeah, it's a thinker. And I love how she refers to her husband's job as "nonsense." This man is one of the most consequential men in the country, but she's like, "I can't wait until you're done with your little black robe bullshit so I can focus on what really matters: semaphore."
So, Martha-Ann got so mad after seeing a Pride flag that she's planning to put up a whole bunch of Jesus flags to combat it. Because everyone knows Jesus is the ultimate symbol of "[bleep] your love!" And also, if she runs out of flags, don't worry: She's thinking up more flags in her head!
MARTHA-ANN ALITO” There'll be all kinds. I made a flag in my head. This is how I -- I satisfy myself. I made a flag. It's white and it's yellow and orange flames around it. And in the middle is the word "Vergogna!" "Vergogna" in Italian means "Shame."
KLEPPER: Oh! wow, first off, what a burn on Justice Alito. Your wife is going around telling strangers that she has to think up new flags to satisfy herself. "I gotta think of new flags, cause it's not like there's anybody else taking care of my needs! Somebody's gotta Plessy my Ferguson!
Come on! Not to be a hater, but designing a special flag for yourself is literally a homework assignment my kindergartener just had. He drew a butt farting on a stick figure man who I'm pretty sure is supposed to be me. I don't love it, but it still beats "Vergogna."
