Jay Leno spent nearly three minutes of his opening monologue Friday trashing Vice President Joe Biden for his performance during Thursday's debate.
Although the Tonight Show host did poke some fun at Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin, the bulk of his jokes targeted Biden including him saying it was "really smart" of moderator Martha Raddatz "to cut Joe off after that third scotch and soda" (video follows with transcript and commentary):
JAY LENO: You know, watching TV last night, I see this stupid infomercial for Crest white strips. Have you seen this? It goes on for like an hour and a half with this guy just smiling. Then I realize it's Joe Biden. I'm watching the debate. [Laughter] That's not Crest white strips. That's Joe Biden.
[Cheers and applause]
Well, I guess you know the Obama campaign has a new strategy. They've gone from "Hope and Change" to "Smirk and Giggle." That's the new thing.
[Laughter]
Well, I thought the moderator, though, Martha Raddatz, she did a great job on the debate. And I'll tell you, she was, I think it was really smart of her to cut Joe off after that third scotch and soda. "You know, that's it." [Laughter] "You've had enough, pal!"
And I was surprised how closely Ryan and Biden followed the rules. Here, here's Martha Raddatz at the beginning of the debate giving the rules.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MARTHA RADDATZ: Tonight's debate is divided between domestic and foreign policy issues. At the beginning of each segment, I will ask both candidates a question, and they will each have two minutes to answer. When I ask about tax cuts, Mr. Ryan must avoid the question by changing the subject. And every time Mr. Ryan speaks, Vice President Biden will have ten seconds to interrupt, and when not interrupting, he will smirk. [Laughter] Let's start the debate.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
[Cheers and applause]
LENO: They followed very closely. And like Jim Lehrer with the presidential debate, she's also being criticized for losing control. See, the problem is they always use these news people as the moderators. You know what you need? A Catholic nun with a big ruler. [Laughter] You're just sitting there, "Ryan, get your facts straight! Biden, wipe that smirk off your face or I'll wipe it off for you!" Just slap him, just hit him in the face. Exactly.
[Cheers and applause]
And we also, we learned a lot about Joe Biden's policies last night. As you know, he has come out very, very strongly against malarkey. [Laughter] Yes. And believe me, the pro-malarkey people are not happy. [Laughter] Who's he running with, Calvin Coolidge? Malarkey?
Actually, there were a couple of really funny jokes during the debate, like when Ryan referred to the Saudis as our allies. [Laughter] Kills me. And the way Biden kept referring to Ryan as "My friend." He'd go, "my friend," and "my friend this," and "my friend believes." As you know, "my friend" is political talk for "up yours." [Laughter] Okay, that's political talk for "up yours." There's no such word as "my friend."
[Cheers and applause]
Oh, and today, today, Sarah Palin weighed in on the debates. Palin said that Joe Biden was sent in as an attack dog, as opposed to four years ago when Sarah Palin was sent in as a deer in the headlights. [Laughter] It was totally different.
[Applause]
Well actually, the Animal Planet did a dramatization of last night's vice presidential debate. Well here, show that clip.
(A video clip was shown depicting Raddatz as a small barking dog, Ryan as a meowing cat, and Biden as a chattering chipmunk.)
Who do you think got the brunt of Leno's derision?
Seemed like Biden in a landslide to me.
