For the late night comedy show hosts and their audiences, the Thursday indictment of former President Trump was more of a chance to enjoy a cathartic experience than anything else. However, buried beneath their joy was the sense that they haven’t completely thought through the ramifications.
CBS’s Stephen Colbert could not contain his glee as he opened The Late Show, “Ladies and gentlemen today I'm feeling a little extra American. One reason, today is baseball's Opening Day! Here in New York—here in New York—here in New York it was 40 degrees, but I still ate ice cream out of a baseball helmet. Why? Oh, just a little something worth celebrating today because literally three minutes before I walked out on this stage here, the New York Times reported a New York grand jury voted to indict former President Donald J. Trump.”
Colbert was so happy that he broke his self-imposed embargo on mentioning Trump’s name. After over 30 seconds of cheering from the audience during which he did eat ice cream out of a baseball helmet, Colbert declared, “he was right, we're finally saying Merry Christmas again!”
It’s wasn’t the first time Colbert invoked Christmas when discussing Trump’s legal situation, but things then got weird as Colbert shared too much personal information “We'll have more on this story, as soon as I am able to talk about it with the camera shooting it from the waist down.”
Over at ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! the eponymous host was also in baseball state-of-mind, “And this is only the warmup indictment. Lady Justice, right, she’s getting loose in the bullpen right now. We'll bring her in the ninth to close it out with insurrection and treason.”
As for Trump’s supporters, Kimmel claimed, “It’s like an entire political movement made up of those women who mail their underwear to Ted Bundy. The grand jury, you know, they didn’t even ask permission, they moved on Trump like a witch.”
Trump also claims the grand jury is treating him like a witch, so it’s probably not the great analogy Kimmel thinks it is.
Meanwhile, Comedy Central The Daily Show temp host John Leguizamo was letting his audience enjoy their own 30-odd second standing ovation when he declared that, “Lady Justice grabbed Trump by the pussy. And you know, I take a firm stance against mass incarceration, okay? But for this, I am willing to make an exception. I just hope they take it easy on him and put him at least in a cell with his lawyer.”
Leguizamo added “Now I know we are all hoping to see him put in handcuffs but we don't know how it's all going to go down. The report is that they're going to try to negotiate his surrender either that or they’ll leave a trail of Big Macs leading to the prison.”
Later, Leguizamo was interviewing Rep. Ritchie Torres, who claimed Trump is “like the Al Capone of American politics.” Probably not wise to admit you’re throwing charges against the wall and seeing which one will stick.
NBC The Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon opened his show by proclaiming “Well, guys, it finally happened, a New York grand jury has voted to indict former President Trump for his role in a hush money payment made to Stormy Daniels. When she heard, Stormy Daniels was like, "Oh, so this is what it feels like to be satisfied.”
Fallon proceeded to play a parody of “I’m So Excited” with several clips of Trump being mashed together to get “I’m So Indicted.”
As for the other late night hosts, James Corden did not discuss the news and Seth Meyers had already taped when the news came down with Late Night tweeting a meme of Meyers lamenting the timing.
These segments were sponsored by Liberty Mutual, Lexus, Booking.com, and, GoDaddy respectively.
Here are transcripts for the March 30 shows:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
3/30/2023
11:37 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Ladies and gentlemen today I'm feeling a little extra American. One reason, today is baseball's Opening Day!
Here in New York—here in New York—here in New York it was 40 degrees, but I still ate ice cream out of a baseball helmet. Why? Oh, just a little something worth celebrating today because literally three minutes before I walked out on this stage here, the New York Times reported a New York grand jury voted to indict former President Donald J. Trump.
Oh! Oh! Come on! Come on! Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen! It's right, he was-- ladies and gentlemen, he was right, we 're finally saying Merry Christmas again! This is—
LOUIS CATO: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
COLBERT: And you know what, I didn’t know this would be coming, I thought maybe it would never come, I used to think what does it matter if it came? I didn't know it would feel this good!
CATO: Come on!
COLBERT: This is good-- this is good news for everybody, even him! He now gets to join his J6 prison choir! You know, they're number one on iTunes, baby!
And you know what, he should see whether that grand jury will cut him a check for $130,000, because he is so screwed. Oh. We'll have more on this story, as soon as I am able to talk about it with the camera shooting it from the waist down.
***
ABC Jimmy KImmel Live!
3/30/2023
11:40 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: And this is only the warmup indictment. Lady Justice, right, she’s getting loose in the bullpen right now. We'll bring her in the ninth to close it out with insurrection and treason, but his next move will, of course, be to try to start another riot to get people to demonstrate on his behalf. Only Donald Trump can have supporters so crazy we have to seriously consider whether or not being charged with a crime is good for him.
It’s like an entire political movement made up of those women who mail their underwear to Ted Bundy. The grand jury, you know, they didn’t even ask permission, they moved on Trump like a witch. He's going to be arrested. He will be fingerprinted and he will be read his Miranda Rights. Wait until he'll find out all this time he got to remain silent, he’s going to kick himself.
***
Comedy Central The Daily Show
3/30/2023
11:01 PM ET
JOHN LEGUIZAMO: John: Yeah! Whoo! That's right! I lost my chair. Yeah, yeah! That's right! That's right! That's right, Lady Justice grabbed Trump by the pussy. And you know, I take a firm stance against mass incarceration, okay? But for this, I am willing to make an exception. I just hope they take it easy on him and put him at least in a cell with his lawyer.
But hey, let this be a lesson to all you kids out there, okay? If you commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star, the law will catch up to you after, like, seven years. And a full term as president. Now I know we are all hoping to see him put in handcuffs but we don't know how it's all going to go down. The report is that they're going to try to negotiate his surrender either that or they’ll leave a trail of Big Macs leading to the prison.
…
11:27
JOHN LEGUIZAMO: You know, we just had breaking news, Donald Trump--
RITCHIE TORRES: Yeah.
LEGUIZAMO: -- has been voted to be indicted by a grand jury. First president to be indicted, former first president to be indicted. What are your thoughts?
RITCHIE TORRES: Well, Donald Trump announced on Truth Social that he's been "Indicated" rather than indicted, but—
LEGUIZAMO: Of course. No spell-check for the president.
TORRES: He probably should have ChatGPT help put that together tweets, but I don’t—
LEGUIZAMO: I know.
TORRES: You know, Donald Trump has been a pathological liar and lawbreaker his whole life and has gotten away with it.
LEGUIZAMO: Oh, yeah.
TORRES: Like, he is a master of getting away with it and finally he is facing the accountability he deserves. But –
LEGUIZAMO: I want to see that perp walk, I'm dying for that, that's the only thing I want to see.
TORRES: But, I will confess, of all the crimes that he’s committed in his life, I never thought of my wildest dreams that he would be taken down by hush payments to a porn star. I mean that's—
LEGUIZAMO: Right, right, true that, true that.
TORRES: So, he’s like the Al Capone of American politics.
***
NBC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
3/30/2023
11:35 PM ET
JIMMY FALLON: Well, guys, it finally happened, a New York grand jury has voted to indict former President Trump for his role in a hush money payment made to Stormy Daniels.
When she heard, Stormy Daniels was like, "Oh, so this is what it feels like to be satisfied.” It gets even crazier though, if Trump refuses to surrender, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis would have to approve a request to send him to New York.
DeSantis was like, "Oh, it's approved. Oh it's -- oh, it's approved I'll fly him myself!”
That's right, Trump is the first U.S. president to be indicted
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!
FALLON: It is -- it is historic, and Trump actually put out a video about it. Watch this.
DONALD TRUMP: I'm so indicted and I just can't hide it. I'm about to go to jail and I don't like it. I'm so indicted and I just can't hide it.
TRUMP, DONALD TRUMP JR., MIKE PENCE, SEAN HANNITY, AND RUDY GIULIANI: I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
TRUMP: I am so screwed
