Monday provided many of the late night comedians with their first opportunities to react to former President Trump being found guilty in his New York trial. They invoked everything from advent calendars holding whiskey to Blu-ray recorders to bad Hunter Biden analogies to applaud the verdict and attack Republicans for condemning it.
CBS’s Stephen Colbert kicked off The Late Show by doing his best James Brown impression, “Of course, the news being what it is, sometimes I don't feel so great. But tonight ‘I feel good!’ Because… on Thursday evening, Donald Trump was found guilty on all 34 counts in his hush money case.”
Later, he rolled out the props, “Now, the problem is, July 11 is a whole 38 days away. That is so long! I guess I'll just have to pass the time with my Countdown to Sentencing Advent Calendar. Here we go. Got all 38 days here. Judge Merchan, Judge Merchan like that. Okay, today is day one.”
Colbert proceeded to open the door to reveal a bottle of $400 20-year old Kentucky Bourbon whiskey and promptly poured himself a glass and had a drink.
Late Night host Seth Meyers proclaimed on NBC that he took great pleasure in watching Fox’s initial reporting on the verdict, “I've watched that clip so many times, I have it on Blu-ray now.”
Later in his “Closer Look” segment, Meyers didn’t see a problem with the idea that if Trump was not running for president, the case would never have been tried, “Trump's entire life is now coming back to haunt him, and regardless of how you feel about the case, I think you have to admit it's pretty funny. All this loud-mouthed dip[bleep] had to do was not run for president and there's a good chance he would have gotten away with his life of criminality. Here's a good rule of thumb: if you have a closet full of skeletons, don't announce a campaign for the most closely scrutinized office in the entire world.”
Meyers concluded by claiming that Republican allegations of weaponization are wrong:
In fact, Hunter Biden's trial on federal gun charges is underway as we speak, not to mention, a sitting Democratic senator, Robert Menendez, who is also on trial right now for bribery charges, so what can we take away from the GOP's unified defense of Trump other than laugh at their shameless hypocrisy? The people that call themselves the party of law and order, who routinely demand that protesters be thrown in jail, or that migrants be rounded up, or that their political opponents be investigated, are now suddenly aggrieved when their presidential candidate faces legal consequences for his actions. Their supposed belief in law and order is obviously not sincere. They see laws not as constraints on power but as tools of power to be wielded against the powerless and for the powerful. That's the classic trademark of authoritarianism.
That does not disprove that there wasn’t funny business going in Trump’s specific trial, but invoking Hunter was a common thread.
Over at Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, Jon Stewart mocked Fox’s Laura Ingraham for joking everyone should now shop at Banana Republic, “After this trial, we need to shop at Old Navy, because our country is a sinking ship. It was a sham! A sham!... Yes, we empaneled grand juries, and submitted evidence, and cross-examined witnesses, but how was Donald Trump or his family not allowed on the jury?”
After a clip of Sen. Tim Scott claiming Trump is the victim of a weaponized justice system, Stewart added, “Somebody should mention that to such unprotected Democrats as Senator Robert Menendez and Congressman Henry Cuellar, both facing corruption charges brought by our Department of Justice. Not to mention, Hunter Biden was facing jury selection in a federal gun charges trial [bleep] today! It's why you probably noticed everyone on Fox & Friends this morning using pillows to cover their boners.”
To Stewart’s credit, unlike the others, he did invite former Rep. Ken Buck on to disagree with him later in the show.
ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel was the only one on the air last week, but he kept going on Monday, “And somehow, somehow even though Joe Biden has weaponized the American justice system to-- using them as puppets to prosecute his rivals, somehow this one that could get his son 25 years in prison slipped through his iron grip. I mean, how does this happen? Last week, he had the whole legal system rigged! Now, he's powerless, I guess. Meanwhile, his future cellmate-- Hunter Biden's--, Donald Janice Trump, made his first outing after his guilty verdict.”
Then there was NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, who claimed on The Tonight Show, “They were going to put him in an orange jumpsuit, but it felt redundant. The big question now is whether Trump will get jail time or house arrest. If he's sentenced to jail, Melania will be inside the courtroom chanting, ‘Four more years. Four more!’"
Some of the late night comedians have rediscovered Hunter Biden and all it only took was Donald Trump getting convicted.
Here are transcripts for the June 3-taped show:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
6/3/2024
11:37 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: I'll be the first to say this is a great job. And I love doing it. I get to come out here every night and feel at you about the news. Of course, the news being what it is, sometimes I don't feel so great. But tonight "I feel good!"Because-- thank you. Was he here? Was James Brown just here?
Because on Thursday evening, Donald Trump was found guilty on all 34 counts in his hush money case. Yeah, there you go. Yes, yes, I agree.
This is truly an historic moment, as Donald Trump becomes the first U.S. president convicted of a crime. Although once they almost nailed Martin Van Buren for hotwiring a horse. Let's go back. Come back with me now, ladies and gentlemen. To that fateful moment: Thursday. It was late afternoon, and everyone assumed they'd be adjourning for the day. It was almost 4:30. Trump was feeling loose, believing a longer deliberation meant good news for him.
Then, suddenly, the foreman sent the judge a note that they had come to a verdict, and “in an instant, the smiling stopped, a smattering of gasps could be heard, then a heavy silence filled the room.”
And because it's Trump, it was silence, but deadly. After 11 hours of deliberation, the jury announced their verdict. And now the judge has scheduled Trump's sentencing for July 11. That's going to be a really busy time for convicted felon Donald Trump, because the 11th is just four days before the Republican National Convention. And reportedly, top Republicans are preparing for the possibility that Trump could be in prison when he accepts the nomination. That's right. You gotta be prepared. You gotta be prepared. That's right. It's gonna be the RNC, live from cell block B, with a keynote speech from his warden, his cellmate Spider, that one guard who smuggles in cell phones up his butt, and for the cocktail hour, enjoy complimentary toilet wine. Now, the problem is, July 11 is a whole 38 days away. That is so long! I guess I'll just have to pass the time with my Countdown to Sentencing Advent Calendar. Here we go. Got all 38 days here. Judge Merchan, Judge Merchan like that. Okay, today is day one, I'll open that up. There you go. Don't go too far. Daddy's drink burns.
***
NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers
6/4/2024
12:43 AM ET
SETH MEYERS: I've watched that clip so many times, I have it on Blu-ray now. My only regret is that the jury didn't have a little more fun with it. "Count 30, guilty, count 31 guilty, count 32, not guilty, JK, guilty." Now there were no cameras in the court, but we do have this artist rendering of Trump's reaction to that verdict. Which is fitting, because the last time he made that face was when Stormy spanked him with a Forbes magazine. Time really is a flat circle. Also, it's amazing when the actual news intrudes on Fox's talking points. All day, they're like, "This is a sham, this is a witch hunt, this is Soviet Russia." And then the actual news happens and suddenly they turn into a cross between Walter Cronkite and an auctioneer. "I have 32 guilty verdicts. Do I have 33? Show me 33, 33 guilty verdicts. Do I have 34? Looking for 34, 34 sold to the man with the long tie and bad lawyers."
…
So, basically, Trump's entire life is now coming back to haunt him, and regardless of how you feel about the case, I think you have to admit it's pretty funny. All this loud-mouthed dip[bleep] had to do was not run for president and there's a good chance he would have gotten away with his life of criminality. Here's a good rule of thumb: if you have a closet full of skeletons, don't announce a campaign for the most closely scrutinized office in the entire world.
…
In fact, Hunter Biden's trial on federal gun charges is underway as we speak, not to mention, a sitting Democratic senator, Robert Menendez, who is also on trial right now for bribery charges, so what can we take away from the GOP's unified defense of Trump other than laugh at their shameless hypocrisy? The people that call themselves the party of law and order, who routinely demand that protesters be thrown in jail, or that migrants be rounded up, or that their political opponents be investigated, are now suddenly aggrieved when their presidential candidate faces legal consequences for his actions. Their supposed belief in law and order is obviously not sincere. They see laws not as constraints on power but as tools of power to be wielded against the powerless and for the powerful. That's the classic trademark of authoritarianism. Who knows if this will hurt Trump politically. I have no idea, but if it does
DONALD TRUMP: I'm okay with it.
***
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
6/3/2024
11:37 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: And somehow, somehow even though Joe Biden has weaponized the American justice system to-- using them as puppets to prosecute his rivals, somehow this one that could get his son 25 years in prison slipped through his iron grip. I mean, how does this happen? Last week, he had the whole legal system rigged! Now, he's powerless, I guess. Meanwhile, his future cellmate-- Hunter Biden's--, Donald Janice Trump, made his first outing after his guilty verdict. Trump spent most of the weekend at his golf club in New Jersey, then went to a UFC fight before finally heading back home to Florida. It's good to see him out crossing state lines while he still can, but Trump stayed at the fight until 1:15 AM. And you know what? If I'd just been found guilty of covering up a hush money payment to a porn star, I wouldn't be in a rush to get home to my wife either, right? I really can't blame him.
***
Comedy Central The Daily Show
6/3/2024
11:05 PM ET
JON STEWART: After this trial, we need to shop at Old Navy, because our country is a sinking ship. It was a sham! A sham! This trial, a sham, I say! It was a sham! "I am shopping at Old Navy!" The trial was a sham. Yes, we empaneled grand juries, and submitted evidence, and cross-examined witnesses, but how was Donald Trump or his family not allowed on the jury? Outrageous! I guess in America now, we need to start shopping at bonobos, because our country is getting [bleep] at both ends! You see, if I may, bonobos are highly sexual apes who frequently engage in activities with multiple partners. Oh, I'm going to be a big hit on primatologist TikTok.
But maybe our justice system wasn't a sham, but certainly applying our justice system to Donald Trump was.
TIM SCOTT: This is the weaponization of the justice system against their political opponent. This is a justice system that hunts Republicans, while protecting Democrats.
STEWART: Oh, my god! The justice system hunts Republicans while protecting Democrats? Somebody should mention that to such unprotected Democrats as Senator Robert Menendez and Congressman Henry Cuellar, both facing corruption charges brought by our Department of Justice. Not to mention, Hunter Biden was facing jury selection in a federal gun charges trial [bleep] today! It's why you probably noticed everyone on Fox & Friends this morning using pillows to cover their boners.
***
NBC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
6/3/2024
11:35 PM ET
JIMMY FALLON: And, oh, yeah, former President Trump was convicted on all 34 counts in his hush money trial. That's right. Trump was found guilty. They were going to put him in an orange jumpsuit, but it felt redundant. The big question now is whether Trump will get jail time or house arrest. If he's sentenced to jail, Melania will be inside the courtroom chanting, "Four more years. Four more!" Trump will be sentenced on July 11, and his lawyers told him, "You should get your affairs in order." Trump was like, [TRUMP IMPRESSION]: "That's what got me in trouble in the first place."
