ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel reported on his Tuesday show that several members of his staff have become infatuated with UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson’s alleged murderer. During his monologue, Kimmel read several text exchanges between the staff and their friends and family, including ones who promised to bake him cookies and those who desperately wanted to get on the jury.
Kimmel declared that, “So many women and so many men are going nuts over how good-looking this killer is, and there's a huge wave of horny washing over us right now. It's like we're one of the guys you work with says, ‘I had a dream about you last night.’ When it's the FedEx guy with the big muscles and rolled-up sleeves, you’re like, ‘Oh,’ but if it’s the bald IT guy wearing Crocs with black socks, you’re on the phone with HR, it’s kind of that same dynamic.”
He then recalled, “Our staff today, I've never experienced anything like this. These are screen grabs of actual exchanges between members of our staff and their friends, relatives, whatever. I've changed the names to protect the guilty, but actually, let's see, Lorraine C. asks, ‘Do you guys think the UnitedHealthcare CEO is hot?’ Friend replies, ‘Yes, I love Luigi, I think he's gay, though.’”
That was just the beginning, “This is an exchange between two of our producers, we’ll call them Elphaba and Glinda, ‘My TikTok is flooded,’ ‘My mom chain's going nuts. That's my TikTok,’ ‘Everyone is obsessed. People are saying a New York jury has the power to find him innocent because we all love him.’ ‘I'm not mad at him.’”
Deciding to brag about that on national TV, even under a pseudonym, is not a sterling endorsement of the Jimmy Kimmel Live! staff, but Kimmel continued, “This one’s from Susie D.; she got this text from her mother: ‘Am I the only person wondering if the gunman had tweezed and reshaped his eyebrows, he would have never been caught?’ ‘Ha ha, good point, his eyebrows are very defined.’ Next one: ‘Please tell me you’re obsessed as I am with this handsome CEO killer.’ ‘Yes, so many questions.’ ‘Like, ‘can I fix you?’’ and Veronica says, ‘I need him so bad, no, like so bad, so, so bad.’ ‘Okay, so I would visit him in prison. And bake him cookies, maybe. Perhaps more. But I haven't thought that far ahead.’”
Kimmel concluded with, “It's not just women. This is from the husband of one of our staffers. ‘Did you see the assassin?’ ‘Yesssssssssss, I'm so upset. Like, excuse me, LOL.’ ‘I'm about to be a jailhouse bride. 'Cause damn, shorty is so fooooine. I'm dead or willing to be.’ And one more from a young woman in our segment department: ‘Texting all my friends in New York that I hope they get called to jury duty.’ ‘God, I want to do jury duty so bad.’ Well, at least it's stirring up a passion for civic duty, I guess.”
The next time Kimmel goes on one of his rants about how awful Republicans are or uses emotion to make a point about health care policy, just remember his staff is full of people who have fallen head over heels for a cold-blooded murderer, and Kimmel thinks that is funny.
Here is a transcript for the December 10 show:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
12/10/2024
11:37 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: So many women and so many men are going nuts over how good-looking this killer is, and there's a huge wave of horny washing over us right now. It's like we're one of the guys you work with says, "I had a dream about you last night." When it's the FedEx guy with the big muscles and rolled-up sleeves, you’re like, “Oh,” but if it’s the bald IT guy wearing Crocs with black socks, you’re on the phone with HR, it’s kind of that same dynamic.
Our staff today, I've never experienced anything like this. These are screen grabs of actual exchanges between members of our staff and their friends, relatives, whatever. I've changed the names to protect the guilty, but actually, let's see, Lorraine C. asks. “Do you guys think the UnitedHealthcare CEO is hot?” Friend replies, “Yes, I love Luigi, I think he's gay though.”
This is an exchange between two of our producers, we’ll call them Elphaba and Glinda, “My TikTok is flooded," "My mom chain's going nuts. That's my TikTok," "Everyone is obsessed. People are saying a New York jury has the power to find him innocent because we all love him." "I'm not mad at him.”
This one’s from Susie D.; she got this text from her mother: “Am I the only person wondering if the gunman had tweezed and reshaped his eyebrows, he would have never been caught?" "Ha ha, good point, his eyebrows are very defined.” Next one: “Please tell me you’re obsessed as I am with this handsome CEO killer.” “Yes, so many questions.” “Like, ‘can I fix you?'” and Veronica says, “I need him so bad, no, like so bad, so, so bad.” “Okay, so I would visit him in prison. And bake him cookies, maybe. Perhaps more. But I haven't thought that far ahead.”
And it's not just women. This is from the husband of one of our staffers. “Did you see the assassin?” “Yesssssssssss, I'm so upset. Like, excuse me, LOL.” “I'm about to be a jailhouse bride. 'Cause, damn shorty is so fooooine. I'm dead or willing to be.”
And one more from a young woman in our segment department: “Texting all my friends in New York that I hope they get called to jury duty." "God, I want to do jury duty so bad.” Well, at least it's stirring up a passion for civic duty, I guess.
