For the men of Thursday’s late night comedy shows, if the “MAGA justices” on the Supreme Court hand Donald Trump a victory by announcing they will hear arguments on his claim to have presidential immunity, it is “terrible news for democracy” because, for them, only when a court rules against Trump is it legitimate. They simply “cannot [bleep] believe” any other version of events.
The Court actually agreed to hear the case on an expedited basis, but CBS’s Stephen Colbert declared on The Late Show that “it gets worse because the oral arguments are in April, but Court watchers don't expect a decision until June, and the trial judge has promised the defense 88 days after that to prepare, meaning the trial could now be delayed until late September or October, plunging the proceedings into the heart of the election. That is terrible news for democracy, but fantastic news for television.”
After claiming that the Supreme Court has “abdicated that moral authority” it depends on for its legitimacy, Colbert claimed that “using the power vested in me as a late night host, I am hereby declaring the Supreme Court unconstitutional…their decisions are henceforth null and void, because they are poo poo heads and completely divorced from what the people they serve want and divorced from reality.”
Meanwhile, over at ABC, Jimmy Kimmel reported, “Darth Traitor did get a win from his buddies on the Supreme Court, which has agreed to hear Trump's "Presidents can do whatever they want" argument as it relates to January 6th.”
Moving beyond the immunity claim, he asserted that it is obvious Trump is guilty, “and so now we may have to wait until next year to find out if Trump did the things we all saw and heard him do on television, but this is what happens when we let an extra from Home Alone 2 pick three Supreme Court justices.”
Later on NBC’s Late Night, Seth Meyers played a clip of Chief Justice John Roberts at his confirmation hearing, telling senators that he would call balls and strikes on matters before the Court and that he has no agenda. Meyers, not only ignoring all the times Roberts ruled with the liberals, but naturally refusing to hold Democratic-appointees to the same standard claimed “It's such a ridiculous argument, we all know you're a Republican. You're telling me George W. Bush appointed you to the Supreme Court without any idea what your political beliefs are?... So, the justices want to be seen as apolitical, but there can be no doubt now that they're very explicitly doing Trump's bidding after siding with him in his attempt to get his January 6th trial delayed until after the election.”
Meyers would also state that “the right-wing Supreme Court is nothing more than a Republican political operation doing the partisan bidding of Donald Trump. We as voters deserve to see the outcome of a trial where the evidence against Trump is presented before we vote, but the Supreme Court has now made that all but impossible, because Donald Trump asked them to. The MAGA justices on the Court will happily do his bidding. Trump's got them by the –”
He concluded the sentence by playing a brief video of Roberts saying “balls.”
On Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, temp host Michael Kosta also did not react well to the news, “I cannot [bleep] believe this. This dude, he’s slipping out of everything. Is he some sort of human-eel chimera? You know, he started his campaign with four different cases against him and he's going to run out the clock on all of them. There’s the stolen documents case, he got a Trump-friendly judge. The Georgia case has been completely sidetracked by two of the prosecutors [bleep] each other. Now the January 6th case is getting delayed due to a legal theory that nobody thinks is legit except for maybe the judges he hired.”
Back on NBC, The Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon imagined what the various justices said to each other as they agreed to take the case, “First, justice Elena Kagan said, ‘We should be acting faster to move this along.’ Then Justice Samuel Alito said, ‘I -- totally -- agree -- with -- you’ Then Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson said, ‘Please, the American people are counting on us can we speed this up?’ Then Justice Neil Gorsuch said, ‘We -- are -- going -- as -- fast -- as -- we -- C-A-N.’”
For the late night quintent, the Court is legitimate when it rules the way it wants, but if it simply decides to hear a case brought by a politician they don't like, it is to be trashed.
Here are transcripts for the February 29-taped shows:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
2/29/2024
11:40 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: And it gets worse, because the oral arguments are in April, but Court watchers don't expect a decision until June, and the trial judge has promised the defense 88 days after that to prepare, meaning the trial could now be delayed until late September or October, plunging the proceedings into the heart of the election. That is terrible news for democracy, but fantastic news for television.
All of the plotlines will come together at once for the thrilling conclusion of America. You've got the trial of the century alongside the most important election of your lifetime, followed by the season 2 premier of Tracker. Tracker: He'll find your keys. Turns out they were in yesterday's pants.
Now, I wonder if the justices, I really do sincerely wonder if these justices, specifically John Roberts, realize just how damaging to the Court's legacy their stalling over this urgent threat to our democracy is and that legacy doesn't have far to fall. In one poll, just 18 percent of Americans said they have a great deal of confidence in the Court.
That's less trust than Americans place in Chet's Warm Shrimp and Mayonnaise Emporium. You know their slogan, “When you're here, you're huerr.” The Supreme Court gains all of its legitimacy and all of its power from public approval. They don't have an army or a police force or apparently, an H.R. department.
They have to rely on moral authority. But they have abdicated that moral authority, which is why, tonight, using the power vested in me as a late night host, I am hereby declaring the Supreme Court unconstitutional. Yeah.
I don't make this decision lightly, but I'm here to say their decisions are henceforth-- I don’t take lightly nor is it easy to say—their decisions are henceforth null and void, because they are poo poo heads and completely divorced from what the people they serve want and divorced from reality.
***
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live
2/29/2024
11:41 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: Darth Traitor did get a win from his buddies on the Supreme Court, which has agreed to hear Trump's "Presidents can do whatever they want" argument as it relates to January 6th. That is likely to push Trump's trial to sometime after the election. The case did not need to be heard by the Supreme Court. It was already heard by the U.S. Court of Appeals which smacked it down so hard it needed a concussion protocol.
But the Supreme Court was like, "Wipe the blood out of your ears, get back in the game!" The question the Supreme Court decided they need to rule on is, can a president do literally anything while in office and be immune from prosecution? And if you think that's an exaggeration or an oversimplification, Trump's lawyers were asked, "If this is true, would a president be allowed to send SEAL Team 6 in to kill one of his political opponents” and he didn't say no.
Trump's argument is that he could literally shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and get away with it. And I'll be honest, I'm worried the person he would shoot might be me. I'm staying away from Fifth Avenue. And so now we may have to wait until next year to find out if Trump did the things we all saw and heard him do on television, but this is what happens when we let an extra from Home Alone 2 pick three Supreme Court justices.
***
NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers
3/1/2024
12:55 AM ET
SETH MEYERS: It's such a ridiculous argument, we all know you're a Republican. You're telling me George W. Bush appointed you to the Supreme Court without any idea what your political beliefs are? We can tell just from your haircut. They call that "The Lego Businessman.
So, the justices want to be seen as apolitical, but there can be no doubt now that they're very explicitly doing Trump's bidding after siding with him in his attempt to get his January 6th trial delayed until after the election. The Court agreed to hear Trump's claim that he has the absolute immunity to do whatever he wants.
…
MEYERS: The right-wing Supreme Court is nothing more than a Republican political operation doing the partisan bidding of Donald Trump. We as voters deserve to see the outcome of a trial where the evidence against Trump is presented before we vote, but the Supreme Court has now made that all but impossible, because Donald Trump asked them to. The MAGA justices on the Court will happily do his bidding. Trump's got them by the –
JOHN ROBERTS: Balls
***
Comedy Central The Daily Show
2/29/2024
11:07 PM ET
MICHAEL KOSTA: I cannot [bleep] believe this. This dude, he’s slipping out of everything. Is he some sort of human-eel chimera? You know, he started his campaign with four different cases against him and he's going to run out the clock on all of them. There’s the stolen documents case, he got a Trump-friendly judge. The Georgia case has been completely sidetracked by two of the prosecutors [bleep] each other. Now the January 6th case is getting delayed due to a legal theory that nobody thinks is legit except for maybe the judges he hired. The only case that might be finished before the election is the Stormy Daniels case and based on the way things are going, I bet that judge is going to get [bleep] stuck in a Venus flytrap or something.
***
NBC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
2/29/2024
11:38 PM ET
JIMMY FALLON: Well, a lot of people are talking about this, the Supreme Court has decided to hear Trump's case about presidential immunity in late April, which means his federal election trial will be delayed and some people are blaming the Supreme Court for dragging it out on purpose to help Trump so, today the justices responded. First, justice Elena Kagan said, "We should be acting faster to move this along." Then Justice Samuel Alito said, "I -- totally -- agree -- with -- you” Then Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson said, "Please, the American people are counting on us can we speed this up?" Then Justice Neil Gorsuch said, "We -- are -- going -- as -- fast -- as -- we -- C-A-N.”
