Thursday’s edition of ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! highlighted just how far the eponymous host is willing to go to boost Democrats this election cycle. During his monologue, Kimmel featured a satirical ad from My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell, played by James Adomian, endorsing Texas Sen. Ted Cruz that featured plenty of juvenile insults and musings about Cruz’s sex life. Later, Kimmel welcomed Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff and asked him about his fantasy football team and his and Kamala Harris’s time at McDonald’s.
Kimmel introduced the Lindell-Cruz spoof by noting, “Sweaty Teddy is in a tight race in Texas. Colin Allred, who's a Democrat, is breathing down his neck, but Ted has an ace in the hole. He has an endorsement from America's most celebrated pillow salesman, Mike Lindell.”
In the clip, Adomian claimed, “Right now this country needs patriots, and there ain't nobody more patrioty-otic than Ted Cruz. Ted just doesn't love America, he lusts after it. That's how come on 9/11 Ted solemnly cranked his pea shooter to porn on the Twitter for freedom.”
Adomian’s faux endorsement also recalled, “Now, you might say, “Mike, do you have mustard on your shirt? And also, didn't Ted Cruz try to ban sex toys in Texas? Yes to both. Because Ted Cruz knows if you let your wife have a vibrator, the next thing she'll want is two dildos, a St. Paul strapalong, and a taint thinner, and a twin city tickler.”
Cruz was solicitor general at the time where he had an obligation to defend Texas’s laws before the courts regardless of his own opinions, but Jimmy Kimmel Live! wasn’t going for nuance.
Then, Adomian let the insults fly:
Folks say Ted Cruz should be disqualified on account of him not being a human man. Just because he don't have a spine. Or because his skin flaps is soggy. Or the fact that he lays eggs in his own salty mouth. Or how much his mucous sacs—oh, wait—his mucus sacs is too swollen because his closest genetic relative is a bacteria that poops in septic tanks or because he squirts ink when you corner him. And his festered genitals are red and covered in scaly pimples, but us patriots overlook all that, 'cause he's fighting for our right to make it illegal for a woman to see a doctor.”
The ad also featured Cruz’s voice imposed over an image of a blobfish, “I’m Ted Cruz, and I approve this message.”
The interview with Emhoff was much, much lighter, “How long were you and the vice president dating before you realized you'd both worked at McDonald's?”
During the second segment, Kimmel got in more T-ball questions, “The second gentleman, that is an actual job, right?” Emhoff used that occasion to promote abortion, “When the Dobbs decision came out, I really leaned into that.”
Kimmel was not finished with the puff questions, for he would later ask, “Your fantasy football league. You've been in for how many years?”
After Emhoff replied that his league has been going for 34 years, Kimmel pressed, “Thirty-four years. Have you ever won?” Emhoff informed the world that the one time he won was in 2000.
Here is a transcript for the September 5 show:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
9/5/2024
11:45 PM ET
KIMMEL: Sweaty Teddy is in a tight race in Texas. Colin Allred, who's a Democrat, is breathing down his neck, but Ted has an ace in the hole. He has an endorsement from America's most celebrated pillow salesman, Mike Lindell.
JAMES ADOMIAN [AS MIKE LINDELL]: All right, this cow ain't got no milk and I've been tugging on its pecker for 20 minutes. Oh, hi there, it's me, Mike Lindell. I make pillows and defamatory statements about democracy. Right now this country needs patriots, and there ain't nobody more patrioty-otic than Ted Cruz.
Ted just doesn't love America, he lusts after it. That's how come on 9/11 Ted solemnly cranked his pea shooter to porn on the Twitter for freedom.
Now, you might say, “Mike, do you have mustard on your shirt? And also, didn't Ted Cruz try to ban sex toys in Texas? Yes to both. Because Ted Cruz knows if you let your wife have a vibrator, the next thing she'll want is two dildos, a St. Paul strapalong, and a taint thinner, and a twin city tickler, and then she’ll want her co-worker Dennis to move in and now you’re married to a lady and a fella and you've got to put another toilet in the house. That's how democracy works.
Folks say Ted Cruz should be disqualified on account of him not being a human man. Just because he don't have a spine. Or because his skin flaps is soggy. Or the fact that he lays eggs in his own salty mouth. Or how much his mucous sacs—oh, wait—his mucus sacs is too swollen because his closest genetic relative is a bacteria that poops in septic tanks or because he squirts ink when you corner him. And his festered genitals are red and covered in scaly pimples.
But us patriots overlook all that, 'cause he's fighting for our right to make it illegal for a woman to see a doctor. Oh, a piranha. This is how my dealer, Chewy, used to smuggle in my Mexican dexedrine. Here. So, this November, we're going to stand by Ted Cruz the way he stood by and let Donald Trump call his wife a dog face.
BLOBFISH WITH TED CRUZ VOICE: I’m Ted Cruz, and I approve this message.
ADOMIAN: Not again.
…
KIMMEL: How long were you and the vice president dating before you realized you'd both worked at McDonald's?
DOUG EMHOFF: It was -- it was pretty early on because of course, I led with that.
KIMMEL: Oh, yeah.
EMFOFF: On our infamous first date. "Hey, honey, you know I was --"
KIMMEL: Was she named employee of the month?
EMHOFF: I don't know. Maybe the one thing I was better at.
KIMMEL: What was your specialty at McDonalds?
EMHOFF: So, at McDonald's you have to kind of learn how to do everything. I took the job because I was new in town. I'd just moved from Jersey and I wanted to make people. I needed to make some extra money and it was, kind of, a lot of the kids in school were working there.
So, at first you're taking out the trash, washing dishes then maybe go to the fries and then I learned how to do what they call the ten to one grill which, ten patties to a pound, ten to one and so, I learned how to do it during the rush. You're flipping the burgers, searing them, getting the buns, dressing the burgers and I learned how to do that. I said, I think I can become employee of the month. If I can crank out more and more burgers. And, you know. Made it.
…
KIMMEL: We are back with Doug Emhoff, the second gentleman. The second gentleman, that is an actual job, right?
EMHOFF: It is now, yeah.
KIMMEL: It is.
EMHOFF: It's funny, when she got elected, we were saying, “okay, what should I do, what should I focus on?” Turns out there was an org chart and, you know, federal government, org chat. So, top was vice president, office of the vice president. Then there was a line to -- above it that said, second lady and they crossed out the lady and just wrote spouse and underneath that it literally said, family life. And Kamala said, yeah, that's not going to work. You're not, we're going to do that together. Why don't you go focus on some issues? You're the first man in this role, how about focusing on gender equity? And then of course, when the Dobbs decision came out, I really leaned into that. And she said, you're the first Jewish person ever to be a White House principal. There was a rise in hate and anti-Semitism. That was another thing that she really pushed me to use the voice on.
…
KIMMEL: Your fantasy football league. You've been in for how many years?
EMHOFF: Thirty-four.
KIMMEL: Thirty-four years. Have you ever won?
EMHOFF: I won once in the year 2000.
KIMMEL: Oh.
EMHOFF: It's a 24-year drought in the fantasy league with Team Nirvana and—
KIMMEL: That's your team name?
EMHOFF: Team Nirvana, after the band, yes.
KIMMEL: Oh, really?
EMHOFF: So the owners are so funny. We're all stuck in time. and it's the same crew since 1989, essentially and so you've got to great names like Rounders after the poker movie.
KIMMEL: I won’t watch that movie.
EMHOFF: All right, yeah, and the the best one is, a now 60-something year old man with a team named Buttheads after Beavis and Butt-Head
