ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel and CBS’s Stephen Colbert were the only late night comedy hosts to be on the air on Monday after the news cycle gifted them a Kamala Harris plagiarism scandal. However, like their straight news colleagues, they ignored such a comedy gold mine and instead chose to gush over Harris’s medical records and use them as another opportunity to bash Donald Trump.
Colbert went first on The Late Show and he marveled at how, “This weekend, Harris released her latest medical report, which states that she's ‘in excellent health.’ It's great that just the words ‘excellent health’ kinda feel like a dig at Donald Trump. They should follow that up with ‘Can walk up stairs’ and ‘Is potty trained.’”
After reading from Harris’s physician, Colbert added, “According to the doctor, Harris works out daily and eats healthy. Okay, but politicians are supposed to be relatable to Americans. We do not eat healthy.”
He then teed up a clip of Harris at a recent rally attacking Trump for not realizing his medical records, “He refuses to release his medical records. I've done it. Every other presidential camp, every other presidential candidate in modern era has done it. [jump cut] One must question, are they afraid that people will see that he is too weak and unstable to lead America? Is that what's going on?”
Colbert replied, “Yeah, probably. Or, hear me out, it is possible he can't find a doctor willing to do the exam. ‘Okay, Mr. Trump, now if you'll just open the gown and close it up! Close it up! Close it up! He's good! He's fine. What do I sign? What do I sign? Get him out of here. Get him out of here.’”
Over at Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the eponymous host echoed Colbert, “To the White House doctor, the vice president is in ‘Excellent health.’ Other than seasonal allergies, mild nearsightedness, and hives. Gee, I wonder what could be giving her hives.”
Kimmel continued, “Trump has not released his medical report. He has not released his medical report. He’s not released his tax returns, his health care plan. He hasn't released his sports bra for months. But he was up at 1:12 AM posting, ‘I believe it is very important that Kamala Harris pass a test on cognitive stamina and agility.’ The guy who's up in the middle of the night reading tweets about himself wants to give someone else a cognitive test. Pretty sure we all watched her ace that test, when she handed you your tangerine ass in that debate.”
Meanwhile, Harris keeps struggling, and Colbert and Kimmel view it as their jobs to help drag her campaign across the finish line even if that means passing up on great comedic material.
Here are transcripts for the October 14-taped shows:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
10/14/2024
11:37 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: This weekend, Harris released her latest medical report, which states that she's "in excellent health." It's great that just the words "excellent health" kinda feel like a dig at Donald Trump. They should follow that up with "Can walk up stairs" and "Is potty trained."
According to a letter from Harris's physician, “She possesses the physical and mental resiliency required to successfully execute the duties of the presidency, to include those as chief executive, head of state, and commander in chief." Yeah, yeah. That's impressive. That's a hell of a doctor's note. After my last physical, Dr. Shaker just wrote, "Can continue to host The Late Show (maybe sit down for monologue?)"
According, not a bad idea. According to the doctor, Harris works out daily and eats healthy. Okay, but politicians are supposed to be relatable to Americans. We do not eat healthy. Has she forgotten the immortal words of Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence? "Love that chicken from Popeyes!"
You know he did. You know he did. Oh, you know who hasn't released his medical records? Donald Trump. Which Harris pointed out—do you really want to see his X-rays? Harris pointed it out at a rally yesterday.
KAMALA HARRIS: He refuses to release his medical records. I've done it. Every other presidential camp, every other presidential candidate in modern era has done it. [jump cut] One must question, are they afraid that people will see that he is too weak and unstable to lead America? Is that what's going on?
COLBERT: Yeah, probably. Or, hear me out, it is possible he can't find a doctor willing to do the exam. "Okay, Mr. Trump, now if you'll just open the gown and close it up! Close it up! Close it up! He's good! He's fine. What do I sign? What do I sign? Get him out of here. Get him out of here."
***
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
10/15/2024
12:13 AM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: This is not a healthy individual. You know, Kamala Harris released her medical information over the weekend. According to the White House doctor, the vice president is in "Excellent health." Other than seasonal allergies, mild nearsightedness, and hives. Gee, I wonder what could be giving her hives.
Trump has not released his medical report. He has not released his medical report. He’s not released his tax returns, his health care plan. He hasn't released his sports bra for months. But he was up at 1:12 AM posting, "I believe it is very important that Kamala Harris pass a test on cognitive stamina and agility." The guy who's up in the middle of the night reading tweets about himself wants to give someone else a cognitive test. Pretty sure we all watched her ace that test, when she handed you your tangerine ass in that debate.
