What a pathetic stable of late-night comics we have in America which, of course, includes ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel. On Monday’s show, the Trump portion of Kimmel’s monologue contained a ghoulish swipe at conservatives and CPAC attendees as the “largest gathering” of anti-vaxxers and heard from President Donald Trump, who Kimmel suggested has dementia.
And to make things worse, Kimmel quipped that because he views the President as having done things he’s alleged critics of having done, he “wouldn’t be surprised if we found out that he had sex with Bill Clinton.” And just remember, as long as you’re a good leftist, you can make jokes about homosexuality and you won’t face punishment.
Kimmel started with a joke about the Fyre Festival, but then dragged out the ugly idea that conservatives are against vaccinations:
It's a lot of very angry white people. It is the largest gathering of people who believe vaccines are witchcraft in the world and for two hours and two minutes, Donald Trump gave what we may look back on as his I Have a Dream speech. This was his longest speech since taking office. He went on and on. You could have left his speech, watched two episodes of Game of Thrones, come back and he would still have been going.
So, let’s take a look at some facts. The importance of vaccines have been repeatedly published at conservative outlets like National Review and Washington Examiner and in a recent column that Bethany Mandel had published in The Washington Post.
With Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and liberal celebrities like Jenny McCarthy at the forefront, there’s a flew on the left and, conveniently, the liberal bastion Jezebel published a list of anti-vaccination celebrities back in 2015.
In that same year, Pew Research Center conducted a poll on the issue and found 10 percent of conservatives and 12 percent of liberals saw them as unsafe, so that again nukes the notion that one ideology is worse than the other on this.
And two of the worst states in terms of vaccinations are dark-blue Oregon and Washington state where things have gotten so bad that the latter has declared a state of emergency.
As Lone Conservative’s Cam Wallace pointed out, it wouldn’t be preposterous to think that a lot of conservative attendees would support vaccinations.
Back in Kimmel’s fantasyland, he mocked Trump hugging the American flag on Saturday and then did a faux commercial about how Trump supporters could buy American flags that the President has hugged. Somehow, there were jokes in there.
Kimmel joked that parts of Trump’s two-hour-and-two-minute speech sounded like “it must have been written for Joe Pesci,” Kimmel resurrected false and tired tropes that the President is an alcoholic, drug addict, and stricken with dementia (click “expand”):
KIMMEL: Oh, he told jokes. He played characters. He cursed. All he needs is a few stories about growing up in the old neighborhood. There could be a Broadway show. It could be a — Trump lashed at Robert Mueller, at the Democrats, he made things up, he made new things up. It was a potent combination of dementia and Adderall. He threw a lot out there during this two-our yell-a-bration, so we slowed him down to half-speed for tonight’s CPAC 2019 edition of Drunk Donald Trump.
TRUMP: Russia, please, if you can, get us Hillary Clinton’s e-mails. Please, Russia, please.
KIMMEL: Someone might want to take his keys to the country away[.]
Not surprisingly, Kimmel did a video mash-up using brief, edited soundbites from various CPAC speakers, ending with a few speakers mocking the Green New Deal’s proposal to get rid of cows (check out the transcript for more).
Concerning an allegation by The New Yorker’s Jane Mayer that Trump received a Megyn Kelly debate question in advance, Kimmel proclaimed to the laughter of the audience to end the Trump jokes that since “[b]asically everything Trump has accused her of doing, he turns out to have done himself,” “I wouldn't be surprised if we found out that he had sex with Bill Clinton.”
To see the relevant transcript from ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live on March 4, click “expand.”
ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live
March 4, 2019
11:37 p.m. EasternJIMMY KIMMEL: Meanwhile, our President kept a crowd very warm at CPAC over the weekend. CPAC, if you’re not familiar, is basically what would happen if Judge Jeanine Pirro headlined the Fyre Festival. It's a lot of very angry white people. It is the largest gathering of people who believe vaccines are witchcraft in the world and for two hours and two minutes, Donald Trump gave what we may look back on as his I Have a Dream speech. This was his longest speech since taking office. He went on and on. You could have left his speech, watched two episodes of Game of Thrones, come back and he would still have been going. And to kick things off, Trump went to one of his signature moves to start it and I know there's a lot of competition, but this, I think — this might be the dumbest thing he does.
[TRUMP HUGGING THE AMERICAN FLAG]
KIMMEL: Who — who does that? It's preposterous. Donald Trump shows more affection to flags than Eric and Don Jr. Have ever gotten in their whole lives. But there's always an angle. Trump isn’t just pandering to his base. The reason she's a flag hugger is because that happens to be one of his most lucrative money moves.
NARRATOR: Now you can own a piece of history. A flag embraced by the President of the United States, the Franklin Mint has made available over 100 flags, each personally nuzzled by Donald J. Trump. Old glory never had it so good. Your fully fondled flag has a certificate of authenticity as well as your own pole to proudly display your flag and hug it yourself. Three cheers for the red, white, and blue. Gaze proudly upon the orange stain left by the President’s well-bronzed face. Feel authentic chicken grease stains from his large, masculine fingers. Get your MAGA flag up for only three easy installments of your social security check. Call now and get a square of toilet paper from the back of the President's shoe. Absolutely free.
NARRATOR #2: Not available in stores. Made in China. No Habla Espanol. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
KIMMEL: So, back to the speech at this thing. The speech he gave was covered every subject manageable. He even took time to talk a great invention TiVo is. Does anyone still have TiVo? At one point during the two-hour Donalogue, Trump mentioned that he was speaking off script. Like we didn't know that, because if this was a script, it must have been written for Joe Pesci.
PRESISDENT DONALD TRUMP: “Let’s inspect every deal he’s ever done. We're going to go into his finances. We're going to check. We’re going to check — these people are sick. They're sick. [SCREEN WIPE] Unfortunately, you put the wrong people in a couple of positions, and they leave people for long time that shouldn't be there, and all of a sudden they're trying to take you out with [EXPLETIVE], okay? Just [EXPLETIVE].
KIMMEL: Oh, he told jokes. He played characters. He cursed. All he needs is a few stories about growing up in the old neighborhood. There could be a Broadway show. It could be a — Trump lashed at Robert Mueller, at the Democrats, he made things up, he made new things up. It was a potent combination of dementia and Adderall. He threw a lot out there during this two-our yell-a-bration, so we slowed him down to half-speed for tonight’s CPAC 2019 edition of Drunk Donald Trump.
TRUMP: Russia, please, if you can, get us Hillary Clinton’s e-mails. Please, Russia, please.
KIMMEL: Someone might want to take his keys to the country away and while Trump was the main event at CPAC, his personal assistant Mike Pence was there too, firing the crowd up with his favorite subject, battle-ready astronauts.
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE: Before the year is out, President Trump will launch the sixth branch of armed forces, the United States Space Force.
KIMMEL: Mother will wipe that nose off for him later, I'm sure. Believe it or not, the President wasn't the nuttiest speaker at CPAC. Not by a long shot. In fact, this Conservative Political Action Conference, I don’t — it's not conservative. There's no action. They really should call it what it is. It's an organized gathering of people who would be very comfortable standing at intersections shouting at cars.
JEANINE PIRRO: I want to know who's a pedophile.
CONGRESSWOMAN CATHY MCMORRIS-RODGERS (R-WA): We are all developmentally disabled in God’s eyes.
MICHELLE MALKIN: And yes, I'm looking at you, the ghost of John McCain.
DIAMOND: I'm sorry, miss Nancy, he didn't ask you for a blank check.
SILK: No, he didn't.
JERRY FALWELL JR.: You just let Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez show up at my house and try to take my cows away.
DONALD TRUMP JR.: I love cows, Jerry. They’re delicious.
SENATOR TED CRUZ (R-TX): I support cows.
RICH LOWRY: You can decommission a lot of cows.
CONGRESSMAN MARK MEADOWS (R-NC): They're trying to get rid of all the cows.
SEBASTIAN GORKA: They want to take away your hamburgers.
PIRRO: Faring cows.
TRUMP JR.: That's because cows fart.
ABIGAIL ROTH [SINGING][: And the home of the brave!
[PACK OF COWS MOOING]
KIMMEL: Oh, you know what? Moo to you guys, too. Meanwhile, in the House of Representatives, the Judiciary Committee today announced they're launching an investigation into the president's campaign, businesses, transition team and administration. The committee is requesting documents from 81 individuals and companies associated with Trump, including his sons Eric and DJTJ, and a mysterious man known as Matthew Calimari who is rumored to be deep-fried with a side of cocktail sauce. On top of that there's a new bomb shell report from The New Yorker. This is — this alleges, among other things, the President ordered his senior economic adviser, Gary Cohn, to pressure the Justice Department to block AT&T’s acquisition of Time Warner, because he wanted to punish CNN which is owned by Time Warner. That seems like a reasonable exercise of executive authority. [LAUGHING] Just using my presidential powers to squish a business I don't like. The New Yorker piece also sheds light on Trump's relationship with Fox and I’m glad you’re sitting down because this is going to rock you potentially to your core. It would appear that Fox News may have given Donald Trump preferential treatment. [LAUGHTER] I know. I know. The article says that, during the campaign, a reporter at Fox News got proof of his affair with Stormy Daniels and was ready to run it but one of the editors nixed the story and said Rupert wants him to win so we can't run this so Fox hit the clear history on that porn story and then made a non-disclosure agreement with the reporter keep it quiet. This is quite a story. New Yorker hit a home run. Trump ranks the Fox News hosts based on who is the Fox and friendliest to him. He gives them a number. Sean Hannity, for instance, is a ten. The President ranks him a ten, 11 if he's wearing heels. Bret Baier only gets a six, but Steve Doocey from Fox and Friends gets a 12 on a scale. I bet Steve, when he heard, he probably said I will never need Viagra again. [LAUGHTER] This is — Steve Doocy is ranked at 12, although he did briefly drop to an eight last year when he defied the President by refusing to stare directly into the solar eclipse. The New Yorker story also says Trump got a heads up on debate questions before the campaign. The former head of Fox News Roger Ailes supposedly tipped him off to a question Megyn Kelly was planning to ask during one of the primary debates. Remember when Trump attacked Hillary for getting questions early for a town hall? Oh, he was so indignant. Basically everything Trump has accused her of doing, he turns out to have done himself. I wouldn't be surprised if we found out that he had sex with Bill Clinton. I really wouldn’t. [LAUGHTER]
