Making his move from to weeknights (after starting on overnights and then weekend evenings), Fox News Channel host Greg Gutfeld kicked off his new eponymous show on Monday with a barnburner of a monologue lampooning his competition on CNN, MSNBC, and the late-night comedy shows and denouncing the left for thriving on “making people hate each other.”
Before a studio audience, Gutfeld welcomed in his new audience by saying that he was “as giddy as Kamala Harris explaining kids in cages or Woody Allen hearing about kids in cages” and bidding a special hello to viewers from his former Saturday show and The Five.
He also made sure to make a quip about President Biden: “If you ended up here because you thought your TV was the microwave oven, it's good to see you, Mr. President. Your pizza will be warm in two minutes. And Hunter, he brought the extra cheese.”
Gutfeld then turned his attention to the two men he now faces in race hustler Don Lemon of CNN Tonight and Lyin’ Brian Williams of MSNBC’s 11th Hour (click “expand”):
GUTFELD: You all made a great choice. For proof, over at MSNBC, let's see what Brian Williams is up to right now.
FAUX BRIAN WILLIAMS: Good evening. I'm Brian Williams and I am on Mars. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] Yes, I jumped on a chopper and now I'm on Mars. I've been here for a year now. I built a castle here made of mastodon carcasses and marshmallows. This is where I invented all the COVID vaccines as well as penicillin, the smartphone, fluffer.
GUTFELD: Mmmhmm. Some things don't change. Meanwhile, what's on CNN?
[ON-SCREEN HEADLINE: Who’s More Racist?]
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: You, sir, are a racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #2: No, you are.
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: Racist, racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #2: You are.
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: Racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #2: You are.
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: White male racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #2: You are terrible. You’re a racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: Racist.
GUTFELD: That's from the Don Lemon hour, who reports the news with the same look your mother gave you when she found weed in your sock drawer.
As for the horribly unfunny broadcast and cable network comedy hosts, Gutfeld dismissed them as wastes of time, joking that “[t]he only time Stephen Colbert ruffles feathers is in a pillow fight,” Jimmy Fallon “fawns more than a herd of deer,” and Jimmy Kimmel’s “definition of risk....is dehydration from crying too much,” while “Seth Meyers and Trevor Noah have run off to be obscure together.”
Gutfeld said that, for these hosts, he’ll “let ‘em be” since “[t]hey got the market cornered in calling Americans stupid” as their main concern was never about attack Donald Trump but his supporters and especially gun owners.
As for himself, Gutfeld stated: “I like bashing creeps in power, those stupid talking pinatas in politics, entertainment, and especially the news media because they’re all the same people or in Zuckerburg's case, things that look like people.”
He then got serious, underlining the important reality that “the only way they make money is by making people hate each other” and calling people with diverging viewers “racist” to the point that they use Twitter to pen “a crowd-sourced version of a hit piece” and “a GoFundMe for character assassination."
“Cancel culture is to the media what an ATM in the lobby of a casino is to an addicted gambler....[B]ut their power is an illusion. Their numbers are small. It's just that their constant noise scares the hell out of corporations. Look at what's happening to Delta. They’re more scared of tweets than birds flying into their engines,” he added.
In the second half of his monologue, Gutfeld took aim at corporations and Major League Baseball for cowering to the woke mob and joining the disinformation campaign over Georgia’s voter law (click “expand”):
Rob Manfred, the MLB commissioner said “that the best way to demonstrate our values as a sport is by relocating this year’s All-Star game” and the draft. “Demonstrate our values as a sport?” What’s that mean in a sport where stealing bases is a virtue? The sport that was racially segregated for 70 years. Where they pretended no players were on steroids even as their ballooning heads gave the Goodyear blimp a complex....Clearly, these cowards got spooked by activists manipulating the media because how is voter I.D. immoral? Try picking up nail polish remover in West Virginia without one. Don't ask me how I know. And remember, all-star voting process allows fans to vote five times over a 24-hour period. That's ballot stuffing. Or in Chicago, Election Day.
(....)
So screw you, MLB....[A]nd screw Delta and screw Coke. In fact, screw all corporations. You stupid execs are cowards and bad golfers. You cheat on your taxes and you cheat on each other. I hope the Dems raise corporate taxes to 99 percent, except on Fox, which should be tax exempt. Maybe I’m turning socialist, but after years of proclaiming corporations as engines of free markets, I realize they’re locomotives run by meth heads who will do anything to save their own hides. It's profit over people, no matter how many inclusion coordinators they hire. They’ll turn a blind eye to China’s slave labor knowing that adding a diversity fun run to whatever history month is currently being celebrated will stoke the woke in human resources.
Before bringing on his inaugural panel, Gutfeld offered a brief cri de coeur:
Well, it's time to return the favor. That's our job. To scare the people who delight in scaring you. Sort of like an enforcer on a hockey team, but cuter. It's time to turn this one-way road into a two-way street. Think of it as part of Biden's infrastructure package except it's real and it costs several trillion dollars less.
To see the relevant FNC transcript from April 5, click “expand.”
FNC’s Gutfeld!
April 5, 2021
11:00 p.m. EasternHUNTER BIDEN [on CBS News Sunday Morning, 04/04/21]: I spent more time on my hands and knees picking through rugs, smoking anything that even remotely resembled crack cocaine. I probably smoked more Parmesan cheese than anyone [LAUGHS] — anyone that you know I'm sure, Tracy.
GREG GUTFELD: Wow! That's exactly how I got fired from Pizza Hut.
[OPENING CREDITS]
GUTFELD: Yes! Yes! Oh, ho, ho!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, CHEERS, AND LAUGHTER]
[ON-SCREEN HEADLINE: As much vitamin C as an orange....Gutfeld!]
GUTFELD: Yes! Alright, here we are again. A brand-new show and a brand-new Greg. I'm as giddy as Kamala Harris explaining kids in cages or Woody Allen hearing about kids in cages. If you've been watching the GG show on Saturdays, welcome. If you love The Five and felt the knee a need for more GG, that's awesome. If you ended up here because you thought your TV was the microwave oven, it's good to see you, Mr. President. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] Your pizza will be warm in two minutes. And Hunter, he brought the extra cheese. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] You all made a great choice. For proof, over at MSNBC, let's see what Brian Williams is up to right now.
FAUX BRIAN WILLIAMS: Good evening. I'm Brian Williams and I am on Mars. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] Yes, I jumped on a chopper and now I'm on Mars. I've been here for a year now. I built a castle here made of mastodon carcasses and marshmallows. This is where I invented all the COVID vaccines as well as penicillin, the smartphone, fluffer.
GUTFELD: Mmmhmm. Some things don't change. Meanwhile, what's on CNN?
[ON-SCREEN HEADLINE: Who’s More Racist?]
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: You, sir, are a racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #2: No, you are.
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: Racist, racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #2: You are.
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: Racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #2: You are.
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: White male racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #2: You are terrible. You’re a racist.
FAUX CNN GUEST #1: Racist.
GUTFELD: That's from the Don Lemon hour, who reports the news with the same look your mother gave you when she found weed in your sock drawer. As for those late night shows we’re supposed to compete against? Why bother? Who do they offend? The only time Stephen Colbert ruffles feathers is in a pillow fight. The definition of risk to Kimmel is dehydration from crying too much. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] Fallon? That guy fawns more than a herd of deer and I heard Seth Meyers and Trevor Noah have run off to be obscure together. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] So let ‘em be. They got the market cornered in calling Americans stupid. To them, it was never about Trump. It’s Trump voters. It's not about guns but gun owners. It's not just about destroying statues. It's anyone who thinks math is real. It's not the issue. It’s the easy targets, meaning you. Me? I like bashing creeps in power, those stupid talking pinatas in politics, entertainment, and especially the news media because they’re all the same people or in Zuckerburg's case, things that look like people. It's also cause the only way they make money is by making people hate each other. It's not enough to say respectful disagreement makes less money. You have to say it's racist. That's why, to them, Twitter is a news source. It created cancel culture. A crowd-sourced version of a hit piece. A GoFundMe page for character assassination. The press used to write these hit pieces themselves. Now? They encourage steel cage matches so they can sell ads and ratings, repurposing tweets into click bait because it's profitable. Cancel culture is to the media what an ATM in the lobby of a casino is to an addicted gambler. It's democractized media destruction, putting a Joker mask on reality, declaring everything is not debatable but their power is an illusion. Their numbers are small. It's just that their constant noise scares the hell out of corporations. Look at what's happening to Delta. They’re more scared of tweets than birds flying into their engines — [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] — which leads us to —
ANNOUNCER: This could very well be breaking news. At least to us.
GUTFELD: I just found out about this today. Rob Manfred, the MLB commissioner said “that the best way to demonstrate our values as a sport is by relocating this year’s All-Star game” and the draft. “Demonstrate our values as a sport?” What’s that mean in a sport where stealing bases is a virtue? [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] The sport that was racially segregated for 70 years. Where they pretended no players were on steroids even as their ballooning heads gave the Goodyear blimp a complex. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] At least their heads swelled from growth hormone, not a sense of self-importance. Clearly, these cowards got spooked by activists manipulating the media because how is voter I.D. immoral? Try picking up nail polish remover in West Virginia without one. Don't ask me how I know. And remember, all-star voting process allows fans to vote five times over a 24-hour period. That's ballot stuffing. Or in Chicago, Election Day. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] MLB lecturing us on values is like me lecturing you on height. Meanwhile, the President — the President calls the bill “Jim Crow on steroids.” Yeah, the so-called great unifier, now flinging racial discord like frisbees at a Phish show. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] So screw you, MLB. Your stupid exhibition game is about as entertaining as a match of cornhole on ESPN at 3 a.m. in the morning and screw Delta and screw Coke. In fact, screw all corporations. You stupid execs are cowards and bad golfers. You cheat on your taxes and you cheat on each other. I hope the Dems raise corporate taxes to 99 percent, except on Fox, which should be tax exempt. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] Maybe I’m turning socialist, but after years of proclaiming corporations as engines of free markets, I realize they’re locomotives run by meth heads who will do anything to save their own hides. It's profit over people, no matter how many inclusion coordinators they hire. They’ll turn a blind eye to China’s slave labor knowing that adding a diversity fun run to whatever history month is currently being celebrated will stoke the woke in human resources. It’s not a principled stand. It's their way of doing business. It's no different than a bodega putting up a BLM sign, so maybe their store will survive the demonstration cause they are scared. Well, it's time to return the favor. That's our job. To scare the people who delight in scaring you. Sort of like an enforcer on a hockey team, but cuter. It's time to turn this one-way road into a two-way street. Think of it as part of Biden's infrastructure package except it's real and it costs several trillion dollars less.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, CHEERS, AND LAUGHTER]
ANNOUNCER: Period!
